Time keeps a pace with me, I often feel like deciding its velocity. But, I fail… my dad repeated his finding, that I am careless, emotionless and impolite. He said I am filled with arrogance from within. I cannot wait for a day when he finds other way round. I will have to choose a path of my own and move time and life demands too much. He once sent me a text describing the quality of a good daughter. I could not reply the truth that I will fail to fulfill his dream. I frequently fail to give my love to the man of my choice. I am afraid; will I make him fail in his life once again? I fail to reciprocate the concern and respect my friends give me. I fail to respect even the love one gave me unconditionally. I act as if I fail to see the expressed thirst on his lips. I feel my failure as a good niece and aunt. I never succeed in earning the favor of the majority. I feel the hunger in thousand bellies and fail to feed even one. I yearn to win the thirst of my flesh, but fall in short of enough patience. I know how much I need freedom, but failure accompanies my fantasies and holds my mind from doing quite a lot of things. I love sweet smelling flowers, but physique of my dad gifts failure to me in attending my ‘garden mates’. I love to get drenched in music in the moon-lit night. But sleep defeats my desire. I fall in love with many men. But society, the rude faces of law prevents me from being the laughing stock!
I wish I could tame the wind and make it blow when and where I wish to. But almighty is my creator! I will wander one day through the dense forests which will hide me from the sun-lit world. I want to break down the molecules of pain dwelling inside countless human minds. I want to pluck stars from the night sky and decorate huts of the poor. I want to find what is right and wrong [though I know that nothing deserves either title!]. I want to tour high altitudes with the monsoon wind and shower rains in the plateaus. I want to be that last drop of water that moist the throat of the dying. I want to be the first sight of the blind receiving vision. I want to be the reason behind the smile on the face of a beggar. I want to watch the cruel die in search of kindness. I want to feel the cold rain on my face, with my friends on top of a rock. I want to walk bare-footed, feeling wet soil and being the ‘bloody meal’ of leeches. I want to know the depth of dark nights. I want to find if a world exists elsewhere. I want to know the reason why people love and hate. I will smile hiding the pain in my tummy. I will feed the hunger that emerges in the midnight when the kitchen is reined by nocturnal beings.
I need freedom, from my thoughts, body and soul. I need that tranquility offered by the morning fog. I need to feel ceaseless flow of cold water running all over my body, through the curves, ups and downs… I need the shade of love-physical, mental and real. I need to swim across the ocean of fantasies and reach the shore of truth… I need to realize that this ‘need’ is beyond my reach… I need that awakening from the slumber I am in. I need to see others still in the slumber. I need to take birth once again, feel the novice skin on my bosom, feeding on my essence. I need all these, my unending wants to be ignored so that I can sob in the midnight. I need someone to laugh at all these. I need, by the end of the ‘day’, feel that all these are just- crazy alphabets clubbing together in my mind!
