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I could see no promising clouds in the sky. The day was unusually warm, no it was hot! I had to travel to my cousin’s home and be a part of the Birthday celebrations of his baby girl- her first birthday. The baby won everyone’s heart with her smart smile, days before her arrival in India, her dad was so keen on sending each stages of her growth to all his relatives. She wore a snow-white gown and twin-tooth cheer!
As usual everyone ate sumptuous lunch, cakes, chocolates and I could find kids amazed to receive gifts from the birthday girl [in Kerala, it’s not a custom to receive gifts in a birthday party, but just give]. The baby’s gestures were so attractive that none could really leave the place just like that. I was happy, but definitely missed out something throughout.
Right from my childhood I was more accompanied by elders rather than those of my age. So I have that habit of being in the company of old people. I love to chat with them, listen to their comments and learn about their fantasies. This day I was pretty sure about a person, the birthday-beauty’s grandpa, whom I could not miss. He is a thin, tall man who spoke little but always maintained a calm posture. He resembled my grandpa so much that I had a greater inclination towards him. He was seated in the front veranda of the house and welcomed me with a vague smile [had a haircut and I am sure he would have not recognized me!]. He tried to engage his grandchildren who found only strange people around. He held balloons and talked to them, still maintaining that calm feature of his!
Slowly he recognized me and took the initiative to talk. He appreciated my blog and smiled that very pleasing way. I felt that hollowness all again. He was quite next to my grandpa. I have always seen him dress up in the simplest way possible. Though his financial capacity is far ahead. I wanted to chat with him for long, but I failed repeatedly. I had to adjust with the little interruptions. Each time I sat near him to speak to him, one or the other engagement blocked my mission! I could find that he was also waiting for someone to chat with him [ my brother stole the heart of a Tamil-beauty and there exists a language problem in each get-togethers of both the families!].
Meanwhile, his wife was getting along with everyone far better. Seems she was already familiar with the language. But my analysis proved wrong when their daughter, my cousin’s wife [my sister], told me that her dad is no alien to the language.
I returned home with that vacuum lingering in my mind as I could not bid farewell to him! I was sure about typing up all that I felt, but not least sure about how to frame it. Was it that I missed my grandpa? Was it all about my homesickness that came along each time I returned to my campus? Or the weather that just kept me dizzy? All I can surely speak to you is about the absence of promising clouds and the little beauty who celebrated her first birthday!

miwanderingmind

Time keeps a pace with me, I often feel like deciding its velocity. But, I fail… my dad repeated his finding, that I am careless, emotionless and impolite. He said I am filled with arrogance from within. I cannot wait for a day when he finds other way round. I will have to choose a path of my own and move time and life demands too much. He once sent me a text describing the quality of a good daughter. I could not reply the truth that I will fail to fulfill his dream. I frequently fail to give my love to the man of my choice. I am afraid; will I make him fail in his life once again? I fail to reciprocate the concern and respect my friends give me. I fail to respect even the love one gave me unconditionally. I act as if I fail to see the expressed thirst on his lips. I feel my failure as a good niece and aunt. I never succeed in earning the favor of the majority. I feel the hunger in thousand bellies and fail to feed even one. I yearn to win the thirst of my flesh, but fall in short of enough patience. I know how much I need freedom, but failure accompanies my fantasies and holds my mind from doing quite a lot of things. I love sweet smelling flowers, but physique of my dad gifts failure to me in attending my ‘garden mates’. I love to get drenched in music in the moon-lit night. But sleep defeats my desire. I fall in love with many men. But society, the rude faces of law prevents me from being the laughing stock!
I wish I could tame the wind and make it blow when and where I wish to. But almighty is my creator! I will wander one day through the dense forests which will hide me from the sun-lit world. I want to break down the molecules of pain dwelling inside countless human minds. I want to pluck stars from the night sky and decorate huts of the poor. I want to find what is right and wrong [though I know that nothing deserves either title!]. I want to tour high altitudes with the monsoon wind and shower rains in the plateaus. I want to be that last drop of water that moist the throat of the dying. I want to be the first sight of the blind receiving vision. I want to be the reason behind the smile on the face of a beggar. I want to watch the cruel die in search of kindness. I want to feel the cold rain on my face, with my friends on top of a rock. I want to walk bare-footed, feeling wet soil and being the ‘bloody meal’ of leeches. I want to know the depth of dark nights. I want to find if a world exists elsewhere. I want to know the reason why people love and hate. I will smile hiding the pain in my tummy. I will feed the hunger that emerges in the midnight when the kitchen is reined by nocturnal beings.
I need freedom, from my thoughts, body and soul. I need that tranquility offered by the morning fog. I need to feel ceaseless flow of cold water running all over my body, through the curves, ups and downs… I need the shade of love-physical, mental and real. I need to swim across the ocean of fantasies and reach the shore of truth… I need to realize that this ‘need’ is beyond my reach… I need that awakening from the slumber I am in. I need to see others still in the slumber. I need to take birth once again, feel the novice skin on my bosom, feeding on my essence. I need all these, my unending wants to be ignored so that I can sob in the midnight. I need someone to laugh at all these. I need, by the end of the ‘day’, feel that all these are just- crazy alphabets clubbing together in my mind!